fillmyhead

i'm back.

i told myself i was done with this, and yet, i've been sitting in front of my computer at work reading message boards obsessively in secret.  

although i was just told that i was "doing really well" last night regarding my eating habits as of late (ie: not eating shit, not eating much...).  if only he knew how much i've been obsessing lately about my intake, and how completely ill i felt after eating those fries with him yesterday.  if i could have the fucking willpower to purge, i would have.  

just coffee and a mini scone so far (and i'm kicking myself in the ass for that scone).  i didn't pack a lunch (with the exception of yogurt) today, and luckily the cafeteria is closed, so maybe i'll actually get my fucking shit together, and not eat a bunch of fucking food.

god, i'm pissed.

so, after 3 day weekend, i'm need for some serious focusing on what i'm shoveling into my face.
just finished "wasted" for the 2nd time.  my god, that book is beyond amazing...i'm sure i'll re-read it again in the near future.  for the time being, i'm reading a memoir of a girl with BPD (boarderline personality disorder), who also was anorexic.  sounds interesting.  haven't gotten too far yet...
have you girls heard of http://www.gurze.com/index.cfm?  i haven't bought anything there yet, but i'm interested to see if anyone has any experience (good/bad/whatever) with the site...

i hate that my  coworkers bring food to the office.  what's worse is that they email the office to let everyone know that there's some sort of "armenian pastry/cake" (read: fatty fat fat) waiting in the back file room.
i'm avoiding that room at all costs, and i deleted her email (after feigning excitement "oh, wow, thank you sounds great!").  
at least i have my office to hide in.
fucking saboteurs.

aching  head, and rumbly stomach.

when i see the floor come at me in swoops and whirls, it makes me smile...

postponing lunch until the last possible second, and even then it's an apple and some sugarfree 60 calorie pudding.

so far so good. 

i love that the bottom of my LJ page has the banner: lose weight! exercise! eat right! get fit ...um...trying to...duh...